Friday, June 11, 2010

I only ask that you not hate me.........

My Dear Sweet Buck,

Wow, have I royally fucked up and you don’t know it. But I need you to. I have to tell you everything because I need you to know me. Not the lies I’ve worked myself into. Yes I am Jordona, yes I live in Olympia in my two story house that feels like a cage. I’m working my job and going to school. However I have created a lie. And I feel you need to know because I am developing feelings for you. And well it kills me to know that I am lying to you.

I’ve told you about Tyler, my ex that use to beat me and caused my miscarriage. What I didn’t tell you was that, before I managed my escape. I was pregnant again. Darien’s name is actually Garien Mikal. His birthday is July 17th, 2008. He was actually born premature little over 6 weeks because his father beat his mother during the early parts of her pregnancy. Vickie isn’t his mother, she’s my best friend Washington state pays her to watch him while I go to school and work.

Goddess! I’ve fucked up.. When I started talking to you online I didn’t think you were serious and well I didn’t give you that kind of intimate details because I am a creature of fear and I don’t trust people. And I didn’t come clean earlier because I didn’t think that, well that I would consider ever actually wanting to meet you. But I know that I do but I know I can’t lie to you anymore. Lying eats away at ones soul and well for the last two weeks I’ve wanted to rip mine out…
So this is my lie, the child I “baby sit” is actually my own son. And most things I’ve said in relation to Vickie, well they are mostly turned around.. Aside from the jobs..

I’m so sorry to have deceived you for so long. It’s not right I know that… And I am a monster for not telling you the truth. I will understand if you not longer wish to speak me. Shit right now I don’t want to speak with me. However I ask your understanding, and if you have it in you, your forgiveness…

I won’t go out of the way to contact you. And well if I don’t hear from you again I understand that as well.
Thank you for the last two weeks.


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