Tuesday, August 10, 2010

And the Muse sparks again

For far to long
I sat alone
Begging for company,
Company of the heart

Trying to hold my world together
But watching it fall apart

Life was never easy
They've drilled into my head
I wanted to run away to hide
From the monsters under the bed

But being a child
Ended long ago
The time to grow up
Was here!

And though I’ve never felt that strong
I learned to show no fear

Why must every test,
Be harder than before
Trying my best to hold on
Though I’m sprawled upon the floor

The fear of love
Can be overwhelming
However the fear of loss
Can consume

Could you live never knowing
Never seeing true love bloom

I never thought to see the world
With my eyes opened anew
Never thought to hear those words
To say that I Love You

I sit here all aglow
Knowing it feels complete
And when the mist rises
And I can see the end

Knowing now why I wasn’t happy
Why I just couldn’t pretend

For pretending only hides the truth
It covers up your eyes
Making you vulnerable
To this world of hurtful lies

You are my silver lining
In this black cloud I call my life
You make me believe I’m stronger
That I shouldn’t give up this fight

And in this dark existence
I finally I found my light.

And yet again Sir you rob me of my sleep! Love You!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

"Did you say it in time? Did you say it out loud?" Jewel - satisfied

My muse refused to sleep! I had to say it!


Today I sit,
With hopes and fears
Smiling brightly,
Through my tears
Wondering how,
This could be
How someone like you,
Actually met me

Though I hide,
Behind this wall
Trying to avoid,
That painful call
And for a time,
I've had this feeling
Everyday it grows,
More appealing

I bite my tongue,
And look away
Knowing not,
The words to say
For I fear that,
If I slip
I'll never get,
To take that trip

The one I've waited,
For far to long
To find the heart,
And sing our Song
To take my hand,
And not look back
To find the love,
That we both lack.

And here you are,
Your heart open to me,
And truth be told,
I've never felt so free.
So take my hand,
As we climb above
Heal our wounds,
And learn to love.

When I begged you not to hate me. Finding that you loved me was honestly the furthermost thing from my mind. And your right, I've almost said I loved you a few times. I fought myself many times to shut my mouth. Because I believe that even if it never got to that point I would accept being happy enough to just be a small part of your life. Even if only a pixel on a screen. As of late I would end our phone calls staring at the screen asking myself why was I such a pansy to not say it. Then even worse, the Tuesday when they played that slow song at the bar, made me want to ball my eyes out.. Jewel's "Satisfied". If you get time you should listen to it once, you'll know why instantly.
When you said those words tonight, I can't even begin to explain the surge of emotions that flowed through my heart. I was speechless, because here I was waiting for the right time. Then in my moment of need not only were you there, but you expressed the one emotion I've been praying you shared. Even now, I feel like running outside in the rain to dance and to cry. Because I'm so happy just knowing that my emotions are shared that every sensation right now is overwhelming.
I couldn't sleep because, well what was that phrase. You long not to sleep because even your dreams can't be this good!

I Love You!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My muse has spoken.....

Remember being young
And everything black and white
It made life really simple
It was wrong or it was right

Never had to worry
About the choices that were made
Life was full of joy and laughter
Merely a game to be played

Now suddenly things are different
As the colors begin to run
I find myself still wishing
For happiness and sun

Growing up your soon to learn
That you've mostly lived a lie
Life was never truly simple
And now it's do or die

The choices that you make today
Will change the world you see
So be careful what you wish for
Or you could turn out like me.

We all start out with dreams
And then we're made to choose
I beg you think it through
Or it's yourself you're about to lose.

Because once the water rises
And the truth is finally clear
With only one thing left to chose
Where do you go from here..

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Okay my music survey

Alright Buck,

You told me to do it so here it is. But your not allowed to make fun of me... It was really hard to narrow all of this down.. Cause I listen to way too much music...

Okay so lately I’ve been in a ska punk mood as far as music goes however it changes all the time…
So my random just want to listen to music songs would be

1) Miss Murder AFI
2) My Standard Break from Life Alkaline Trio
3) You and Me and the Bottle Makes 3 Tonight Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
4) Immigrant Punk Gogol Bordello
5) Time is Running Out Muse

To get myself in a good mood I like to listen to
1) Runaway Avril Lavigne
2) Johnny Quest Thinks We’re Sellouts Less then Jake

Songs to relax to
1) Lemon Parade Tonic
2) Smile like you Mean it The Killers

Songs for when I’m depressed
1) Where is my Mind The Pixies
2) Anything But Ordinary Avril Lavigne
3) Creep Radiohead

A song that just pumps me up
1) Pretty in Punk Fall Out Boy
2) Psychobitches HorrorPops

Love Songs
1) Storybook Love ( I know but I’m a sucker, I love this movie and this song soooo much)
2) Flightless Bird American Mouth Iron and Wine
3) Rusted Wheel Silversun Pickups

Break Up

1) I Caught Myself Paramore
2) According to You Orianthi
3) Where You Can’t Follow HorrorPops

Friday, June 11, 2010

I only ask that you not hate me.........

My Dear Sweet Buck,

Wow, have I royally fucked up and you don’t know it. But I need you to. I have to tell you everything because I need you to know me. Not the lies I’ve worked myself into. Yes I am Jordona, yes I live in Olympia in my two story house that feels like a cage. I’m working my job and going to school. However I have created a lie. And I feel you need to know because I am developing feelings for you. And well it kills me to know that I am lying to you.

I’ve told you about Tyler, my ex that use to beat me and caused my miscarriage. What I didn’t tell you was that, before I managed my escape. I was pregnant again. Darien’s name is actually Garien Mikal. His birthday is July 17th, 2008. He was actually born premature little over 6 weeks because his father beat his mother during the early parts of her pregnancy. Vickie isn’t his mother, she’s my best friend Washington state pays her to watch him while I go to school and work.

Goddess! I’ve fucked up.. When I started talking to you online I didn’t think you were serious and well I didn’t give you that kind of intimate details because I am a creature of fear and I don’t trust people. And I didn’t come clean earlier because I didn’t think that, well that I would consider ever actually wanting to meet you. But I know that I do but I know I can’t lie to you anymore. Lying eats away at ones soul and well for the last two weeks I’ve wanted to rip mine out…
So this is my lie, the child I “baby sit” is actually my own son. And most things I’ve said in relation to Vickie, well they are mostly turned around.. Aside from the jobs..

I’m so sorry to have deceived you for so long. It’s not right I know that… And I am a monster for not telling you the truth. I will understand if you not longer wish to speak me. Shit right now I don’t want to speak with me. However I ask your understanding, and if you have it in you, your forgiveness…

I won’t go out of the way to contact you. And well if I don’t hear from you again I understand that as well.
Thank you for the last two weeks.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Hmmmm First Posts Suck!

I haven't had much of a blog in some time, I've just been so busy with work and school that there is never time to keep these things going. But I've decided that since I'm already on this site at least once a week to make sure I haven't missed any ramblings the least I could do was stop to post as well. Yesterday I was inspired to write again in nearly a year, and I wanted to post it somewhere.

A road surely less traveled.

I started out this trip
Not knowing where I’d end
Not seeing that I was alone
Or needed a new friend

Walking blind down the road
I’ve seen this all before
Trying to find the missing key
To open up this door

The dark skies were clouded
Another night within my day
If one small sound could change a mind
I know I’d be okay

Not knowing what I need
Or even what I seek
Yet here you sit alone with me
I’ve known you not a week

I share so much with you
Though why I cannot say
You are so close I feel your touch
Yet oh so far away

So what am I feeling
It’s way to soon to call
I partly want to run and hide
But I want to have this fall


I know it's not very good. But it's what I kept dwelling on so there it is.